At Peace

This has been a long time coming, But I think I am finally at peace with everything that has went on in my life the last few years. It seems crazy that I would all of a sudden feel like this. But it has happened, and I am happy about it. I do have a few things to say about the things that have transgressed in my life. I may not be at peace with EVERYTHING that is in my life, but I am thankful for what I have.

Regarding my marriage. I'm moving on with my life, and putting this in the past. I am refusing to spend anymore nights not being able to sleep thinking about what happened and what didn't happen with Mike. It has been 1 year and 4 months since he left. I spent far to many days and nights wondering that went wrong with "us" but after a lot of reflection on this subject, I have decided that it does not matter to me anymore. After reading through my journals when we were married, I realized, that you know what, I was not happy in my marriage. I deserved so much better, and to be treated well. So I say, good riddens and good-bye.

Although Mike will never read this blog, I just want to say thank you for the good times we had however few and in between. For what it means, I did my best to be a good wife, and I think we both did things that were not kosher for our marriage to work. I did love you at one point or another, but we both developed into different people who were searching for two different life paths. I was young, and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Gladly now I do. I wish you the best of luck with Jacob and Shannon.

Regarding my father. I cannot change who he is as much as I would love to. I dreamt for many years that I would be the one who would encourage him to stop drinking. But....I have realized that I cannot change my dad. But...I can accept the things he does for who he is. I can love him for who he is, grow up, and accept him for who he is. The past is behind us. I cannot change the stress he put me through as a teenager, or the things he did to me, or all the hurtful things that were said throughout the years. But, from this point forward I can be a better daughter, and take the time to listen to my father. However silly his stories are, or how many times he tells the same story, I can try to learn from them.

Regarding my mother. My mother has always been my hero. I commend her for her patience, and her strength. I can only hope to be one day as strong as she is.

Regarding the future. I have no real idea what the future holds for me. But...for the first time in many years, I know what I want to do with my life. And...oh..heres the big one...I have the ambition to pursue my dreams. I am planning on going back to school to go for my doctorate in Psychology...also...I am going to take some photography classes. I miss taking photos. I loved it so much, and for some reason or another, I stopped doing something that made me happy. That ends now...I have to do things for me now,and no one else, I need to do the things in my life that make me happy. Only then can I achieve the goals I have in my life.

Frustrated....

The title pretty much sums it up. So frustrated with my life. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just end it all. At the ripe age of 24 my life has plummeted to the buttom of the hill. The last real friend I fealt I had, I feel like she has betrayed me. I have no one to love and no one that loves me. Im sitting here listening to the most depressing music. I feel like I have accomlished nothing in life. i went to school for a degree I'm not using. Im working a shit hole job only because its helping me pay down my debt. Im divorced... and finding out all these things that have me doubting my self confidence, or what little there is left of it. I used to be so confident of myself and my actions, and now all I do is doubt anything and everything I do. I feel like nothing I do is good enough anymore. I'm not even sure why I get up in the morning anymore hoping for a good day.

Thoughts as of late

Sometimes as of late I feel like all the walls are closing in on me. I feel like a paranoid mess. What happened to the confident woman I used to be? It feels like that all the confidence I had got torn apart when all this divorce stuff started. I spent hours upon hours trying to figure out the reasons why my marriage did not work out and never came to any conclusions. But...I am happy to say that I did get a bit of closure.

I found out a few weeks past that Mike had a baby with another woman. I acted like it did not even phase me just so my parents and loved ones would not worry about me, but the truth is it has been tearing me apart inside ever since I found out. We tried for a baby for quite some time, but were unsuccesful. Next thing I hear is that after he left me he was dating a girl in Washington that I knew. When he was asked about it, he denied it for the next 6-7 months. Then I find out after the fact that he had a baby with this woman. It's going to be hard for me to express what I am going through with this but I am going to try. I feel inadequate, because I feel like he left me for this other woman. I feel betrayed....reason being that I was always honest with Mike throughout our marriage, and even after, only to find out that i was not recieving the same respect I gave him. I have always had trust issues with men..and this has given me yet another reason not to trust people. I feel closed off to the world, no one cares what I am going through to be quite truthful. My best friend is busy with kids and a husband so I do not want to burden her with any of this. My mom is always so busy that I don't want to burden her down, because I know she is going through alot with my father. I have never been able to talk to my father so that is def. not an option. I feel paranoid that everyone around me is judging me. I had huge plans for my life, and everyone of them has fallen through.

Do I want to get back into the dating world? Absolutely, and I feel like I am ready but that there is no one out there that can provide me with the kind of love that I need, or that they do not have the patience and understanding to deal with my situation because the divorce has still not happened.

I really hope things turn around for me soon.

Poem of the Week - The Path

I have always found poetry to be a release for me, and so I would like to share some of my poetry with my readers. Here is the first of many to come...

The Path

Such cruelty encompasses me as I reflect on a once dark past.

Turmoil and shame are all that I see.

Who is the true me?

Candy corn and butterfly dreams,

spreading my wings to fly far from this place.

The silver-lined clouds guide my path to a sliver of hope in the distance.

What is this hope that I foresee?

A future of regret or a new beginning to treasures unknown?

I see my past in my future,

white lilies and lace on the archway of destiny.

A glistening utopia of happiness,

a whisper of truth carried in the breeze.

A life of endless dreams and butterfly kisses awaits me.

The Low Down

I want to post a few more entries from my journal to catch people up to my life up to this point, so here it goes.....

Wednesday June 17, 2009
I have been talking to this guy from World of Warcraft named Chris I don't know what it is about him, but when I talk to him I feel open. He actually listens to me and doesn't judge me which is a nice feeling. I feel like I haven't been able to be open to the people in my life for awhile now, because they are just sick of having to hear about the things that I am going through. Being able to talk to him has been the peek of my days for about two weeks now. It's nice having someone to listen without judging.
Chris is going through a lot in his life as well right now and partially I believe that is why we have been drawn together as of late. I listen to his problems and he listens to mine and we are happy with that.
I still feel extremely stressed out. Nothing seems to be changing for the better. Just when I thought that all my thoughts about Mike were diminishing, and maybe just maybe some of my sanity was returning I hear news from Daphne that Mike has been sleeping with Shannon since he got back to Washington. Shannon is the office slut at Mike's work. I have to admit that this hit my pretty hard. I really do not know what to think about the situation, but I know it bothers me. I have been thinking about it constantly since I found out. It makes me wonder if the reason he left me is because of her. I also know that the reason he fought me over the whole carpet issue at Jessi and Tim's condo was because of her. According to Daphne he wanted to pay for the carpet, and she would not let him. Who the hell is she to be telling my husband what he should and should not do. Yes, I realize that Mike and I are separated, but like it or not he is still my husband. Anyways enough about that, lets talk about the conversation I had with Chris tonight.
I asked him today how often he drank. And he told me he drank 6 days a week. I really didn't know what to say about that but I did give him my opinion on the matter. Because my dad is an alcoholic I've seen first hand what alcohol does to a family. I live with the effects everyday. My father is dying right before my very eyes because of alcohol. I see how much my mother resents my father for all the drinking he does and she can do nothing about it but sit back and watch it happen as well and try her best to deal with it. I do not want to live my life like that. I look up to my mother for the strength she has to deal with it, but I am not my mother. I am still young enough to make the decision not to live or carry on a relationship with someone that is so engrossed in drinking. After I told him him that I could not live with someone who drinks that much because I know what alcohol does to people he got extremely quiet. He was speechless and when he did talk he just kept apologizing and saying how stupid he felt; who knows perhaps I knocked some sense into him and he will be more conscience of his drinking.
I can only hope that things will turn around for me soon. I really do not want to move back to Arizona, but at this point I do not see a real alternative. I do not think I can deal with living with my father. Answer my prayers for some good news for once because all the bad stuff in my life right now are wearing me thin.


Saturday June 20, 2009
Today was a rough day. After getting off the phone with my mother in the afternoon, I felt like crap. She acted like she didn't even care about what was going on with me. She does not understand what I am going through, and can't understand why I am doing nothing with my life right now. At the point that I am at right now, I do not understand what the point of doing anything is as no one really gives a shit what happens to me anyways. After getting off the phone with her, I cried and all I could think was that no one cared about me and if that is the case what was the point in going on living because no one would miss me till I was gone. All I could think of was getting one of my kitchen knives and cutting, and how good it would feel to just release and be in a peaceful place not of this world. Amidst the crying I was making myself physically ill and threw up.
I was surprised when Jeremy gave me a call. It made me feel so much better that someone called me to see how I was doing. I always feel comfortable talking to him, he always has a way of making me feel so much better. So we talked for about an hour and in the end I was laughing. Then about 20 min later Chris called as well so that made me feel much much better that two people cared enough to call and see how I was doing. I find it funny that these two people that I met on a silly video game cared enough to call to see how my day was when the real people in my life. My supposed friends and family don't care enough to call. I'm glad they don't because all they do it criticize my life and all the things I do in it except Athena she has always cared about me.
I just wish something good would happen in my life. I'm tired from the stress and the bad things in my life. I want to make it here in Utah so fucking much, I just need someone willing to give me a break. I am trying as much as I can but when I wake up in the morning and dread of getting out of bed it makes it hard. Even the simplest things seem like monuments in front of me at this point. Everyday is a struggle to accomplish something. I have lost all motivation to do things for myself and in my life. I need inspiration to come back in my life and make things a little easier to tolerate.

My So Called Marriage...

My marriage is another thing that is hard for me to talk about, so rather then talking about it from the point I am in my life now. I thought it would be easier to understand by copying entries from my journal, because it really just sums it up on a good timeline, so here we go:


Friday, August 11, 2006
It’s strange how life comes at you sometimes. Where meeting one person, and hearing their story can give you a different perspective for and at life. Life, truly is a series of unfortunate events, and in between, are the events that forever change your life. We can’t take back things we have done in the past. But, you can learn from those events, and become a stronger person from them. My life has been filled with good memories and bad. But instead of lingering on the past, and regretting my actions, I have chosen to take those and learn from them, all of life’s little lessons. When I think back to the days, when I was in depression, and contemplating suicide, and hurting myself on a daily basis, I see a different me. A fragile, weak girl. But, I wouldn’t take it back for the world, because I learned from it, and it made me, the strong, independent, willful woman I am today.
Meeting Mike has seemed like something God planned for me. We both have healing to be done, and I think we were brought together for a reason. To make each other stronger. Whether it was intended to blossom into a relationship, or a marriage, or a friendship, I can’t say. But I feel that fate brought us here, and the best thing to do, is wait things out. When we meet, there will be a connection of some type of sorts, and hopefully, life will reveal its plans to what its intentions are. I know what my hopes are, but I do not want to set my hopes too high. I hoping in my heart, that this guy, this wonderful guy, this guy that I feel so trusting about, and so open with, is someone that I am intended to be with for a long time.
I feel, that the men in my life up until now, have been one let down after another. Starting with my father. Then every relationship I’ve been in. Most recently being Josh. Trust and Honesty are two things that I regard as high in my life. I felt like josh betrayed that trust, and then the honesty, and that’s not who I am. Does every girl have that dream of the picturesque man for them, of course, but I believe that there is one person out there for everybody, and he just wasn’t that person, he was not my soul-mate.



Sunday, December 10, 2006
It has finally struck me that I will be moving away from everything that I have ever known in 6 short days. I can’t help but think and ask myself “Am I strong enough?” And I know that somewhere inside of me that I have the strength to do this, but right now, I feel vulnerable and I feel week and I am not sure how I am going to react when it comes down to saying goodbye to my family. I am almost certain that I will cry because I will no longer have the convenience of a two hour drive to come home to my family. I also know that this is the best thing for me and I am starting a new journey with my soon to be husband. And I know that he will be here to love and support me through all of this. He has shown me nothing but unconditional love since the moment we met in Vegas. Who would have ever thought that two people who met on a simple video game and whose love blossomed over the internet and playing silly little games like UNO would grow so close so fast.
If you would have asked me 2 months ago if I would be engaged and starting to plan a wedding and thinking about a family I would have laughed the notion off. But I have come to realize that love has no time limit and that God has a funny sense of humor about love. He brought me and Mike together and he opened both of our eyes and said, “Here is your soul mate, love this person like you have loved no other before them, treasure them as your own, your love will be unconditional; for you will be together for all eternity.” Mike has really opened my eyes and he has shown me that I am capable of so much more that I give myself credit for.
Am I nervous about moving? Of course! But, I know that once the initial shock of moving so far away from my family wears off that I will be a much stronger person and that I will realize that I have not left my family, but that I have only added on to it. I know that Mike will be there by my side through thick and thin and that he will cheer me up when I miss my family. I also know that this is not goodbye for my family that this is I will see you soon and I can’t wait to see how much we all have grown.



Tuesday, March 12, 2007
Woody told me that he doesn’t think that he is good enough for me. And I have to say that it really hurts. And I kept help but feeling that this is all my fault. I made a comment yesterday, that I think really upset him. He told me he would be there to take care of me, and I came back with, “you can’t because you’re always gone.” Which is true, it really is, because with him always being on call and us having different days off, it is hard to find a time that we are both at home. When one of us gets sick, the other has to go to work, and nothing gets accomplished.
Why do I always have to fuck things up like this? Why? What kind of sick human being am I that when I find someone who truly loves me and wants to be with me that I go and fuck it up? It’s the same thing all over again. The same fucking thing! I don’t know why I do this, I really don’t, because believe me if I did, then I would try my best to find a way to stop it. Why can’t I just have a normal life? Instead, I have this fucked up thing I like to call a life, which is filled with disappointment, regret, anger, frustration, and sadness.
I just really wish I could be happy for once. I really don’t think that is so much to ask. To be in a relationship filled with happiness instead of going and fucking things up. To be close to my family, and share all the happiness that goes along with it. To be in a place where I am comfortable and fell at ease. Somewhere familiar, instead of this place where that I have no friends. I just want to be happy, is that so much to ask? I guess it must be or else I would be.



Saturday, August 11, 2007
It’s hard to believe that it has been a whole year since I started this journal. Where has all the time gone? Was I even here when it all just flew by me so fast? I’m married, and have a wonderful husband and I have gained a new family. I feel torn. I miss MY family. Talking to them over the phone is not enough because I feel that they can not rejoice and celebrate all the wonderful things that are happening in my life with me and they are also not there to comfort me when things go bad. I know that they are here in heart but I just feel like sometimes that is not enough. Has my time here been wasted because the people I love in this world are not here to experience it with me, or should having Mike and his family be enough for me? Unsure.
I miss dance. Every time I hear a new piece of music I still feel the rhythm and the beat sway me in my heart, and I feel that I cannot express it. I feel locked and caged up like an animal at the zoo unable to be my real self. Also, lately I have been thinking about God a lot. I miss the way that I felt when I went to church and when I was able to sing. While I still don’t feel that organized religion is necessarily the best thing for me, I do feel that a piece of my heart is gone now. But yet, it has been replaced with something that I cannot describe.
It’s interesting what you find out about yourself on your journey to self-discovery. I’ve seen myself grow and mature in ways that I did not know I could. And I have found things out about myself that I never knew existed. The journey is not done yet, I know that there is still so much to learn and so much more room to grow. But I know the sun is going to rise on a better day.



Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wow, Mike can really annoy me sometimes. I had to buy that damned part for my blazer, and he seems generally annoyed with me, all because I told him what the lady at the parts store told me. I really think that sometimes he just needs to take that stick he has shoved up his ass all the time out, and stop being such a complete asshole. I love him, I really do, but I feel generally neglected because of WOW and PS3 and the other bullshit he plays.
I know I’m overreacting but I just really need to get out what I was feeling, because I’m stressed out enough from work that I don’t need to come home and get more stress.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Am I really such a bad person that I deserve to be treated like shit? I just, I don’t know that I am doing wrong… Mike was such a great person when I met him. Now…everything is negative. He’s so fucking self-centered. I fucking hate him so god damn much right now because he has no idea how much hurt he is causing me. Having to put up with his temper and his hate towards the world; I am now noticing, that we are polar opposites. While I seek to be calm, cool, and collected he’s yelling curse words at his cell phone. While I strive to help people whenever I can, he does everything for personal gain. The last 3 times we have been intimate it was all for his pleasure and none for mine. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong…


Here is where the tricky part comes in. Mike and I had made the decision to move to Utah more specifically, right outside Salt Lake where our two best friends lived Jessi and Tim. I moved down at the end of August because I had work lined up. Mike was to be moving down here a month later. A month later comes and goes..and still no Mike. I went on to his bank account one day to make sure he had remembered to pay his credit card nill on time, and saw a charge for a lawyer, and found out it was a divorce lawyer, and when I asked him about, he lied to me. He finally came down in October with a truck with all our stuff. When he got here....he seemed different...he seemd so distant from me. We went down to the storage to drop off our stuff, and when we got out of the truck, he told me he wanted to talk to me. He told it wasnt working out, he kissed my forehead and hugged me and told me he was leaving me. I was so devastated. Tim talked him into staying,so we could talk about things, but it was very clear to me that he had already made up his mind and there was nothing I could do or say that was going to make him stay. I offered marriage counseling and everything else I could think of, but nothing mattered. So...he left. That was the last time I saw him. The rest of the entries are about me dealing with this.


Saturday, December 6, 2008
I’m in a weird place right now. Somewhere between heaven and hell, I’m lost. Where am I supposed to be with my life? Mike left me, and I guess I’m just so angry and confused about the whole situation. What did I do wrong? Even before I met him in Vegas, I knew I loved him. And now what? I’m alone, depressed, angry, disappointed, the list could go one forever. I tried to be a loving wife that took care of him, through thick and thin, good times, and bad, and somewhere in between it all went wrong. When he left me, I was so angry that I had nothing to say to try and save my marriage. And now that the words are in my mouth, there is no one there to listen to them. I don’t know why he left me. Was it another woman? Was it his parents? Was he really that unhappy with our marriage? I wish I could answer those questions, but in the time I moved to Utah, and the time he came to Utah, we changed into two different people.
Nothing can prepare you for losing what you thought was the love of your life. Sometimes when I lie awake at night, and I wish he was still here to lie next to me, and tell me everything was going to be alright. I wish that he would have been willing to stay and give this marriage a fighting chance….but he didn’t….he left, he left me alone, with nothing but my clothes, the cat, and what little grip on sanity I had left. I’m not usually a person to live with regrets, and to linger in the past trying to figure out what I could have done differently, but with this…I am. Thinking about what we could have done differently seems like the only thing that is on my mind recently. Was I that hard of a person to love?
I loved Mike with all my heart. I thought he was the one. I guess he thought differently. Over the next few months, I hope my heart can begin to heal; right now there is just a void.


Monday, December 15, 2008
I still love Woody. I have also come to realize that nothing is going to change that. He was a good man. Somewhere down the line, I know that love will transform into something different, a love for a friend maybe. I am still feeling lost and torn inside. One part of me still loves him so fucking much its not even funny, and I miss him so much, and I wish he would call me tomorrow, and say baby I’m coming home, I want to see if we can work this out. The other half of me is happy he is gone, and that I can move on with my life.
For the most part, I am moving on, and I am starting to be happy again. Late at night, I start to feel lonely again, and then I start thinking about what Woody might be doing right now. And I can’t get over the thought of him seeing someone else besides me, but I guess I can not be too upset about that, because well I am too. I heard he is moving back to Washington for the time being, to work, so I guess he is going back to work for Dan, and he is going to be staying with Bob and Daphne. I think that is going to be good for him, because then he can have money to pay for the divorce and stuff.



Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I am so frustrated right now. I have been trying and trying to get a job, and no one sees how much I’m fighting for this. Mentally, I’m worn, I can’t take much more. It has been an uphill battle for the past 6 months, and I still haven’t reached the peak. When is it going to stop? When I have nothing else of myself to give? I feel like the walls are closing in, and no one cares about what happens to me. I hate feeling like this. No one gives me a fighting chance to survive; when all I want it to make it here it Utah by myself. I feel like such a child. Helpless, hurt, broken, alone.



Saturday, May 23, 2009
Well...I am still feeling lost. I had hoped that all these feelings I was having towards the divorce would start to fade and that I would start to feel happy again. But, that is something I am unfortunately still hoping for. I hate Mike so so much for the things he has put me through but I still love him at the same time, and I know that I could never forgive him for that he has done to screw my life up.
I am still feeling very alone late at night, and I find it hard to sleep at night as well. The only time I can sleep comfortably is in the morning when the sun is already up. I am trying to be happy, I really am, and to a degree I guess I am because I am trying to move on with my life and piece it back together. But it is so hard to get up everyday and hope that day is going to be a good one. The stress of Mike and the divorce had become an overwhelming one, and the stress of my dad is now starting to overwhelm me as well. I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this, because I do not want to stress Jessi out with hearing about all my problems, and I do not want to call my mom balling my eyes out so she can just give me some answer like, suck it up, your a strong girl. Because while I know that I am strong, this is a lot of stress to put on one person. I am surprised that I have kept it together as well as I have.
I know that I am not perfect. I know that I make mistakes in life. But, I am unsure why God is putting me through all of this. I am only so strong, and I don't know if I can handle all of this stress sometimes. I hope I can. I want to be happy again.

My family and past

I don't always like to talk about my past but I feel that by letting people know about the things that I have gone through in my life I become a stronger person for learning from it and who knows, perhaps it will help someone else as well.

My childhood was good at best. My father is an alcoholic, and it is something that I have been dealing with for years. You will hear people say that alcoholism affects not just the person who is an alcoholic, but their family and friends as well, and I have to say that this is 100% truth. When I think about what I went through as a child I always cry. I can still close my eyes and see my father strangling my brother against the wall because he took my teacup while I was playing. I can also see my father pushing my mother up against the fridge ripping her clothes off and throwing glasses at her head. It is not something easy to deal with by any means, and it still haunts me to his day the things my father has done to people in my family when he has been drinking. I am reminded of these things constantly.

The most vivid of these, was my freshman year of high school. I had just made the freshman cheer leading team, and was going to camp in a week. We were going out to a family dinner, and my nephew was crying in his car seat. My dad turned around and was yelling at him to to shut up. I am very very protective over my nephews, I only want the best for them. I told my dad that yelling at him would only make him cry more. My dad did not approve of me talking back to him and he grabbed my arm and I screamed for him to let go. He kept yelling at me, and finally he punched me in the face. I kicked at his seat, and kicked towards his face, but he was so much stronger then me, and his nails dug into my arm. What hurt me the most, was that my mother took his side. I wasn't in the wrong. I didn't deserve to be hit, hell I was just a kid myself. It hurts me that a father would punch his own child, his flesh and blood, and to this day I cannot understand how he could do that to his child. I never wanted people to know what I was going through at home, I didn't want to feel like a charity case. I hid it from all of my friends, and I told people at camp that my cat attacked me. I still have the scars on my arm where his nails dug into my skin as I kicked to try to get away and I'm reminded of it every time I look down.

My father now is much more mild. I can see that he knows that he has made mistakes in his past. I hated him so much for what he did to our family and especially to me. Now, we are closer then ever. I have not forgiven him for what he did to me, and the hell he put me through, but I know that he is not going to live forever. The drinking has gotten worse. He is going senile and cannot remember simple things. My mom is such a strong person for sticking by his side. She is and will always be my hero. We think that he has five maybe seven years at best left. We have decided as a family that is drinking is what makes him happy in his last years then we will just deal with it.

Something else that i have hidden from most everybody in my life is that I was so stressed out from my home life, that I started cutting myself in junior high. It was a way to release all of the things that I was feeling because I could not deal with the emotional hurt. I kept it from everyone. A friend of mine named Andy was the only person I told, he was a boy that sat behind me in Math class. he saved my life. I still remember what he told me that made me stop cutting. He told me one day, that if I wanted to kill myself so much, that he would kill me himself. I knew right then that I needed to stop. I had told a few other friends about it too, and it disturbs me to this day that no one else said a fucking thing about it. No one else cared enough about me to try to help me. I started cutting to relieve the hurt I was feeling from my home life, and I became addicted to the pain. I cut for for at least four years. I still remember telling my mom about it. It was right after I had stopped. I wrote a long journal about it. One night as my mom and me were staying up talking, I told her I wanted to share something with her. So I gave her my journal and I let her read what I wrote, and when she was done, she started crying and and we hugged, and we both said our sorrys to each other, and my mother and I have been close ever since.