The Low Down

I want to post a few more entries from my journal to catch people up to my life up to this point, so here it goes.....

Wednesday June 17, 2009
I have been talking to this guy from World of Warcraft named Chris I don't know what it is about him, but when I talk to him I feel open. He actually listens to me and doesn't judge me which is a nice feeling. I feel like I haven't been able to be open to the people in my life for awhile now, because they are just sick of having to hear about the things that I am going through. Being able to talk to him has been the peek of my days for about two weeks now. It's nice having someone to listen without judging.
Chris is going through a lot in his life as well right now and partially I believe that is why we have been drawn together as of late. I listen to his problems and he listens to mine and we are happy with that.
I still feel extremely stressed out. Nothing seems to be changing for the better. Just when I thought that all my thoughts about Mike were diminishing, and maybe just maybe some of my sanity was returning I hear news from Daphne that Mike has been sleeping with Shannon since he got back to Washington. Shannon is the office slut at Mike's work. I have to admit that this hit my pretty hard. I really do not know what to think about the situation, but I know it bothers me. I have been thinking about it constantly since I found out. It makes me wonder if the reason he left me is because of her. I also know that the reason he fought me over the whole carpet issue at Jessi and Tim's condo was because of her. According to Daphne he wanted to pay for the carpet, and she would not let him. Who the hell is she to be telling my husband what he should and should not do. Yes, I realize that Mike and I are separated, but like it or not he is still my husband. Anyways enough about that, lets talk about the conversation I had with Chris tonight.
I asked him today how often he drank. And he told me he drank 6 days a week. I really didn't know what to say about that but I did give him my opinion on the matter. Because my dad is an alcoholic I've seen first hand what alcohol does to a family. I live with the effects everyday. My father is dying right before my very eyes because of alcohol. I see how much my mother resents my father for all the drinking he does and she can do nothing about it but sit back and watch it happen as well and try her best to deal with it. I do not want to live my life like that. I look up to my mother for the strength she has to deal with it, but I am not my mother. I am still young enough to make the decision not to live or carry on a relationship with someone that is so engrossed in drinking. After I told him him that I could not live with someone who drinks that much because I know what alcohol does to people he got extremely quiet. He was speechless and when he did talk he just kept apologizing and saying how stupid he felt; who knows perhaps I knocked some sense into him and he will be more conscience of his drinking.
I can only hope that things will turn around for me soon. I really do not want to move back to Arizona, but at this point I do not see a real alternative. I do not think I can deal with living with my father. Answer my prayers for some good news for once because all the bad stuff in my life right now are wearing me thin.


Saturday June 20, 2009
Today was a rough day. After getting off the phone with my mother in the afternoon, I felt like crap. She acted like she didn't even care about what was going on with me. She does not understand what I am going through, and can't understand why I am doing nothing with my life right now. At the point that I am at right now, I do not understand what the point of doing anything is as no one really gives a shit what happens to me anyways. After getting off the phone with her, I cried and all I could think was that no one cared about me and if that is the case what was the point in going on living because no one would miss me till I was gone. All I could think of was getting one of my kitchen knives and cutting, and how good it would feel to just release and be in a peaceful place not of this world. Amidst the crying I was making myself physically ill and threw up.
I was surprised when Jeremy gave me a call. It made me feel so much better that someone called me to see how I was doing. I always feel comfortable talking to him, he always has a way of making me feel so much better. So we talked for about an hour and in the end I was laughing. Then about 20 min later Chris called as well so that made me feel much much better that two people cared enough to call and see how I was doing. I find it funny that these two people that I met on a silly video game cared enough to call to see how my day was when the real people in my life. My supposed friends and family don't care enough to call. I'm glad they don't because all they do it criticize my life and all the things I do in it except Athena she has always cared about me.
I just wish something good would happen in my life. I'm tired from the stress and the bad things in my life. I want to make it here in Utah so fucking much, I just need someone willing to give me a break. I am trying as much as I can but when I wake up in the morning and dread of getting out of bed it makes it hard. Even the simplest things seem like monuments in front of me at this point. Everyday is a struggle to accomplish something. I have lost all motivation to do things for myself and in my life. I need inspiration to come back in my life and make things a little easier to tolerate.