Thoughts as of late

Sometimes as of late I feel like all the walls are closing in on me. I feel like a paranoid mess. What happened to the confident woman I used to be? It feels like that all the confidence I had got torn apart when all this divorce stuff started. I spent hours upon hours trying to figure out the reasons why my marriage did not work out and never came to any conclusions. But...I am happy to say that I did get a bit of closure.

I found out a few weeks past that Mike had a baby with another woman. I acted like it did not even phase me just so my parents and loved ones would not worry about me, but the truth is it has been tearing me apart inside ever since I found out. We tried for a baby for quite some time, but were unsuccesful. Next thing I hear is that after he left me he was dating a girl in Washington that I knew. When he was asked about it, he denied it for the next 6-7 months. Then I find out after the fact that he had a baby with this woman. It's going to be hard for me to express what I am going through with this but I am going to try. I feel inadequate, because I feel like he left me for this other woman. I feel betrayed....reason being that I was always honest with Mike throughout our marriage, and even after, only to find out that i was not recieving the same respect I gave him. I have always had trust issues with men..and this has given me yet another reason not to trust people. I feel closed off to the world, no one cares what I am going through to be quite truthful. My best friend is busy with kids and a husband so I do not want to burden her with any of this. My mom is always so busy that I don't want to burden her down, because I know she is going through alot with my father. I have never been able to talk to my father so that is def. not an option. I feel paranoid that everyone around me is judging me. I had huge plans for my life, and everyone of them has fallen through.

Do I want to get back into the dating world? Absolutely, and I feel like I am ready but that there is no one out there that can provide me with the kind of love that I need, or that they do not have the patience and understanding to deal with my situation because the divorce has still not happened.

I really hope things turn around for me soon.